I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
