I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
