i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
