So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
