no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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