dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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