we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
