hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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