I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
