I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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