Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
