you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
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