If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i've created a new STD.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
