my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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