he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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