I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
