phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
