I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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