I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am one with the molecules
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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