I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
