I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
