I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
