If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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