Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
