I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
