my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
