Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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