Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize