She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize