New invention idea: vibrating tampons
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He called his prostate his "boner button".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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