I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
