bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
