I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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