I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
