well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
A+ Viking dick
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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