I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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