Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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