the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
