In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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