it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
