I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
