sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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