there's paper in my vomit.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize