WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
