DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
