I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I didn't notice because vodka
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize