wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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