i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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