I wish I only lived at night.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
