my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
