so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize