I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
