I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
