I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
pray to the hookup gods
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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