is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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