I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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