We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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