i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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