We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
