I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
