I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
