I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
