I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
