In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
