I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
